


Tired Hearts and Tired Minds

by StariNights



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: An OC - Freeform, Anxiety, Character Death, Depression, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Suicide, anger issues, dont worry, im sorry guys, it goes through his life, they're only there to hurt connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:31:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13431882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StariNights/pseuds/StariNights
Summary: He had a toy plane that he loved to death, it was the first present Larry had bought him that he’d actually liked in three years, so naturally, he played with it 24/7.He brought it to the apple orchard on one of their picnics and Zoe had begged to play with it. He said no three times before her father told him, very sternly, to share. He’d pitched a fit for a solid five minutes before he finally gave it over. She was surprisingly good, she'd seen him do it a hundred times and it wasn't so hard for the seven-year-old to copy his movements. It wasn’t until Larry decided he wanted a turn did things go south.





	Tired Hearts and Tired Minds

He was two when his sister was born.

Connor was amazed when his parents brought home the little bundle of joy that was Zoe. He followed his mother around, babbling nonsense at Zoe as he did. She’d laugh as if she knew exactly what he meant.

He'd sit and tell her jokes that didn't even make sense, but she'd laugh like it was the funniest thing she'll ever hear. He loved telling her jokes, no one else laughed that hard at them. 

He started sleeping in her room at age three. “I’m her big brother!” he’d say “I have to keep her safe from the bad guys!” Larry would ruffle his hair and tell him he’s right. Cynthia set up a small bed made up of excess pillows and blankets. He brought his ninja-turtle nightlight with him since it always kept him safe.

He went back to his own room four months later, saying he missed the stars on his ceiling, but he let her keep the light for two more. 

When he was six he’d sing to Zoe, teaching her his favorite songs. They’d make forts in the guest room on the second floor, a room they knew their parents would check. They’d hide up there, snuggled up under as many blankets as they could bear and Connor would read or sing to her. They were the picture of innocence. 

That became their hiding spot for when their parents started to scream, they'd shut the door and he'd read her his favorite comics, trying to drown out their voices. When it got really bad, he'd put his hands over her ears instead. 

When he was eight he threw a printer at a teacher. Well, he didn’t really throw it, do you really think an eight-year-old could chuck a printer at a teacher? No, he just knocked it off of the desk and it happened to land on her foot. He didn't really know why he did it, he just knew he was mad. He got in trouble at school, no recess for a month and he lost line-leader privileges, but that wasn't anything compared to what happened at home. 

It wasn’t the first time his parents fought, in fact, they were always fighting, but this was the first time it was about him. He didn't go to the guest room, instead, staying in his own, counting the stars on his ceiling. He didn’t notice Zoe tip-toeing across his room until she was pulling at his sleeve. She stood in front of his bed, holding out an old Dr. Suess book. her big green eyes full of sympathy. He pulled her up beside him and put a protective arm around her shoulders. Before he could say anything, Zoe said:

"Don't worry, Ms. Green's jus' a mean old snot face! Mom and daddy will understand" he laughed at her as she lisped her way through that sentence, missing two front teeth can be inhibiting.

He read her that old book twice before they finally heard their father's voice. “I’m sorry, Cynthia, I just don’t know what to do.”

That was the last time he ever heard that.

He was nine when he first got mad at Zoe.

He had a toy plane that he loved to death, it was the first present Larry had bought him that he’d actually liked in three years, so naturally, he played with it 24/7. 

He brought it to the apple orchard on one of their picnics and Zoe had begged to play with it. He said no three times before her father told him, very sternly, to share. He’d pitched a fit for a solid five minutes before he finally gave it over. She was surprisingly good, she'd seen him do it a hundred times and it wasn't so hard for the seven-year-old to copy his movements. It wasn’t until Larry decided he wanted a turn did things go south.

He didn't have it two minutes before it did a nose dive straight into the creek. Connor started after it for a beat before he got mad. His mind filled with static as he screamed at the man, he screamed and screamed until his voice went hoarse

Larry had started to scream back when Zoe had giggled. It wasn't at him, she'd seen a squirrel in a nearby tree, but Connor whirled around to face her anyways, screaming about how it wasn’t funny. She was crying when he finally stopped, he was as well, but larry scooped Zoe up into his arms and started screaming at Connor. Cynthia had to step between them, scooping up her baby boy as well and screaming back at her husband. Needless to say, they didn't go back to the orchard. 

Later that night Connor snuck into Zoe's room to apologize, he brought her his sweatshirt as a peace offering. she grinned and dragged him up onto her bed and shoved a Dr. Suess book in his hands. 

They fell asleep together, book discarded on the floor beside the bed. 

I wish I could tell you that wasn't the last time, that he kept this healthy relationship with his sister. 

Sadly, that's not what this story's about.

He was ten and Zoe still hadn't given him back the sweatshirt, not that it fit him anyhow. they weren't really friends anymore and it was the only thing she had to remember those days. He didn't seem to care about her reasoning, it still turned into another screaming match. Banging on her door, he screamed at her to give it back.

She never did.

 

He was twelve when he got into his first fist fight.

Jared-fucking-Kleinman had called him a freak and Connor decked him in the nose. He ended up suspended for 2 weeks. He didn't care, it was worth it to see the surprise and terror on that punk's face, though the kid behind him didn't seem to agree because he started crying.

He also decided it was worth it to throw something at Larry, go big or go home, right?

“Why can’t you be more like your sister!?” he screamed, “Why can’t you at least try to control yourself!?”

Something inside him snapped. what did he mean 'try'? He tried, he tried so fucking hard, who was fucking Larry to say that he wasn't? So he threw the picture frame sitting on the coffee table at him. 

He decided that if people didn’t notice he was trying, why should he even bother?

He stayed in his room for the entirety of the two weeks he was suspended, only coming out when he was sure no one was home.

Cynthia came in on the first Sunday. She leaned in the doorway and smiled reassuringly, “hey honey, you sure you don’t want dinner?” he didn’t answer, so she tried again. “you've got to be hungry, you've barely eaten all week!” still nothing. 

she sighed "may I come in?" he sat there for a beat before nodding his head, after all, he could trust his mother, right?

She sat beside him and immediately wrapped an arm around his shoulder, instinctively he leaned into her. “Honey, why’d you hit that boy?” he shrugged “he called me a freak.”

“Why didn’t you tell a teacher?” another shrug “they don’t care, they agree with him.” she sighed, “look, I’ll talk to your father about moving schools, how’s that sound?” he grumbled “yeah sure..” She gave him one last hug before leaving to eat dinner with the rest of her family. He laid back, opening his book back up as he smiled to himself, he felt like there was finally some hope.

It died in a fiery crash when he heard the fight his mother and Larry got into that night.

The Monday he was allowed back to school he’d skipped breakfast and walked to school as to avoid any confrontation with Larry. Their fights seemed to only worsen as the years went on, he didn't even refer to him as his dad anymore, Larry didn't deserve that title.

He was thirteen the first time he’d gotten kicked out.

His mother had cried while he and Larry screamed at each other, but it seemed to take everyone by surprise when Larry screamed at him to get out. 

"what?" his voice was weak and broken as he stared up at him, and Larry seemed to falter like he was about to take it back. Yet, it was only a moment before his face hardened again "Get out of my house." 

So here he sat, on a park bench in the middle of the night, some clothes and his favorite book in a small bag sitting beside him and tears sitting in his eyes.

It wasn’t like he’d even done anything bad, not objectively at least. He didn’t get into a fight, didn’t raise his voice. No, he’d just let it slip he had a crush.

A crush on a boy in his grade.

He put his head in his hands, self-hate piling in his stomach and voices screaming in his head. Even his own dad thought he was a freak.

He wasn't allowed to go back for three days.

After that, Larry never let him live it down, taking him to church every Wednesdays, Sundays and even some Fridays. He took him to those “healing camps”, introduced him to the daughters of his co-workers, and even, at one point, tried to beat it out of him.

Nothing worked, of course, and Connor just grew resentful and bitter. Instead, he stopped liking people entirely, stopped caring. He felt the emotions start to drain out of his body, leaving only anger and a terrifyingly empty pit. 

He started smoking cigarettes he’d stolen from a convenience store. He got into more trouble at school and his grades dropped to barely passing as he didn’t turn in assignments. 

This only seemed to fuel Larry's disappointment. They started fighting more until they couldn’t even have dinner without it turning into a screaming match.

Connor started growing out his hair and painting his nails, at first to spite larry, but he found painting his nails was calming, and picking at them gave him something to do other then punch someone or something and his longer hair served for something to fidget with as well, twirling and pulling at locks of his hair when he couldn't sit still. He liked it.

Larry, however, did not share his opinion. Telling him he looked like a “Fag” and a “Tranny”. This also turned into screaming matches.

He was still thirteen the first time he tried to kill himself.

He tied a noose around his fan and kicked the chair out from under his feet. It didn’t go as planned, though. The fan broke, crashing to the ground and leaving him with a broken hand, gasping for air, and very much still alive. He sobbed for almost half an hour before Cynthia came home to find him on the floor with the noose still tied around his neck. She begged to know why 

"Why would you try and leave me?" she sobbed holding her baby in her arms.

He couldn't answer her, he just wanted it all to stop, the fights, his mind, life in general- he justed wanted it all to stop.

Cynthia fought for therapy, saying he needed help, but Larry said it was all just for attention. The fights went on for a month, and Connor found himself crying over them for the millionth time, blasting music in his ears until he couldn’t hear their screams.

Larry ended up winning the battle, it seemed, because he never went. Instead, he fell into a downward spiral of depression.

But things started to look up when he was Fourteen.

When he was fourteen, Connor made his first friend in forever.

She was new and he was sitting alone at lunch. She sat right in front of him and buried her nose in her book. 

He was surprised, then angry. “Um, excuse you?” he glared at her from across the table. "w-what?" she stuttered, tugging on a lock of her bright red hair “why are you sitting there?” she went red “oh, um, well, I can move if you want! But, um, you were sitting alone and I thought ‘Hey! He probably won’t mind if I sit there!’ and I'm hoping I was right, but uh, a-again I can move-” he rolled his eyes, damn, this girl had a stutter that could rival Hanson's.

He almost told her to get lost, but there really wasn't anywhere else to sit and she seemed nice enough...

“what’s your name?” he asked against his better judgment. She paused, blinking in confusion before smiling brightly at him “M-my name’s Kayla! And you?” she extended her hand across the table, which he reluctantly shook. “Connor,” he took his hand back and gestured to her book “what are you reading?” she smiled sheepishly and tugged on her hair again “oh, um, it's called 'Be more chill'?” 

He asked her what it was about, maybe he'd read it himself, and she gave him a brief description, something about even mind chips and mountain dew.

That was the last time he got off that easily.

As they hung out more the descriptions went from one or two sentences to rants that took hours to complete. “I'm just saying!” she said, from her spot in front of him at lunch “Draco is so gay he can't even walk straight!” it wasn't the first time she'd debated him about this. He just nodded, grinning as she launched into another topic. 

“so, you wanna hang out after school?” he blinked in surprise, no ones asked him that before “oh um, sure?” she grinned “awesome, I know this cool abandoned orchard nearby!” he nodded and she didn't bring it up again until school ended.

She ran up to him in the parking lot, walking with him to the bus stop. 

“autumn smile apple orchard?” he looked at the broken down sign on the front gate “holy shit, I forgot about this place.” she cocked her head to the side, hair falling into her eyes "You know this place?" 

He grimaced at the last memory he had from here "yeah, my family and I used to picnic here" she giggled "well, welcome back!" she said, pulling him over to the gate, climbing over it and waiting for him on the other side. She led him to a small creek, pulling off her socks and shoes and dipping her feet in the water. “kay, it's October, how?" she laughed “the cold never bothered me anyway~” she sang between giggles. He smiled and sat beside her, not putting his feet in.

They stayed there for hours, talking and joking, Connor complained about his dad and Kayla groaned about her stepmom. They didn't start heading back home until the sun started to set, she walked him to the bus stop and then he went home alone.

It was hell for him when he got back home, and from what he could tell, for her too, but that didn't stop them from going the next weekend, or the weekend after that, or any other time they felt like it.

It eventually became their spot, going there whenever they'd have a particularly bad day. She was the first person he told about the noises in his head and he was the first person she told about her anxiety. 

He blew up at her, once. She'd been talking to his sister and he overheard them talking about “freaks”. He assumed the worst and screamed at her right then and there, calling her a shit friend and then turning on Zoe when she tried to defend her. 

He thought he'd lost her, that she wouldn't talk to him ever again until she did the exact opposite.

She slammed her plate down in front of him and demanded he listens. Zoe was the one to start the conversation, and when she asked about Connor Zoe said he was a freak. 

"That's ok," she said "I'm a freak too, so we're even"

They were best friends, each other's only friends if we're being honest. He sang to her and she showed him her sketchbook. When he got kicked out again, she lent him her couch. When they were fifteen, she told him she felt more like a he. Connor helped him come up with a new name, Kaden. 

When he couldn't afford a good binder, Connor bought him one. During his episodes, Kaden calmed him down. They helped each other through bullying and panic attacks and depressive episodes, haircuts, and sleepovers, good or bad they were always there for each other. 

But Kaden was in a much worse place then Connor, and while Connor was like an angel come to save him, he was just to far gone.

Something to remember is that Connor's family didn't know about Kaden, which was fine for them since they both hated the Murphys. But that also meant that when a red-headed, freckled-faced girl showed up on the news, nobody knew why Connor ran to his room. They had no clue why he screamed for hours, punching walls when he didn't get an answer on the phone, or where he disappeared to for almost 42 hours.

No, they never got why he picked up drawing as a hobby, never knew why he didn't leave his room for a week. They never knew where he'd gotten so many filled sketchbooks and new books, they didn't know whose name was carved into his wall.

Didn't know why he never put down a certain book about evil mind chips and mountain dew.

No, they never knew that when Connor was sixteen, his best and only friend killed himself.

The same year he lost Kaden, Connor tried to kill himself again, this time he tried slitting his wrists in the bathroom, but he forgot to lock the door and Zoe busted in looking for a brush.

She screamed for her mother, who came running in after her. Connor was rushed to the hospital, but he survived. 

He was alive, but, he didn't feel like he was. He felt like he succeeded- like he was dead.Maybe that's just what happens when you're that broken, you shut down.

Now Connor was alone, and with his only support gone and Larry still fighting against therapy, Connor was left to medicate himself. 

He started to smoke weed, reasoning that at least when he was high he felt something. The only downside was that it made him angrier, his fuse was almost non-existent, but what did he care? They didn't deserve his patience. 

but even his 'medication' began to wear off and he had to smoke more and more just to feel something, he refused to slip back into that unfeeling pit.

He was nineteen, on his first day of senior year, he decided he was going to try to die again. His highs grew shorter and his funds were low so he couldn't buy as much anymore, he felt less and less and retreated deeper and deeper into his mind. 

He'd had enough. 

He got high one last time then crept to his mother's medicine cabinet, grabbing an entire bottle of Xanax. As he snuck back into his room, he wondered about leaving a note. 

"Why should I?" he hissed under his breath "They don't care now, they won't care then" 

Just as he opened the bottle, Zoe was pounding on his door. "Hey asshole, it's almost time to go!" he groaned and screamed at her to "fuck off!" 

He sighed and stuffed them into his messenger bag that held all his favorite things in it. Might as well go flip them off one last time, right?

He ran downstairs, keeping up the illusion he didn't want to go before hopping in the car with Zoe. 

They rode in silence all the way to school. He hated having to ride with her, but I guess this is what happens when you get caught with weed in your car. The moment they pulled up, he jumped out of her car and started towards the school, flipping her off as he went. 

The day passed well enough, if 'well enough' means shitty as always.

Fucking Kleinman tried to start shit, then Evan Hanson, Evan-fucking-Hanson, the only person that could possibly be lower than him in the social hierarchy, had the nerve to laugh-

**Author's Note:**

> this is a rewrite of a book i did i while back, i just wasn't happy with it. so BAM here it is.


End file.
